Terrible Two's

Oh I am having such a hard day today.  I feel so helpless and out of control in this wait for our baby.  I can not seem to think of anything else lately.  I was just sure that there would be some referrals given out this week, even if not mine it is such a blessing to see other families connected to their children.  I can hardly wait to find out if we will be having a baby boy or a baby girl.  If we will be blessed with one or the possibility of two?  I would love to start getting the nursery in order but since I am a gender specific person I can not start that project until I know what I'm having.  It all comes down to my not fully trusting in Gods timing and His plan, I do trust Him and I'm not worried in the least, what ever child/children we are blessed with, you Lead Father, I will follow.  I am surrendered to His pan.  Am I struggling because it took so long for me to fully surrender to the Lord in regard to this adoption?  Yes, it was I that ran from this calling, afraid, with so many questions, and selfish motives.  But, then I, more than 6 months ago came weeping at His feet, crying out, "Yes Lord!  Yes Lord!  My answer is yes!  I am giving up the doubts, I don't even fully know what you are asking of me but I surrender, my answer is YES!"  That's it, I surrendered, I'm ready to do this, my heart is ready to mother another blessing/s from you.  Ahh, but the Lord must not be ready to give me this mission yet.  Just because I am ready now, or at least I think I am, I still need to wait on His lead.  And this is just so hard for me.  I know I must sound like a 'terrible two', selfish, me, me, me.  I feel guilty because the fact is that in order for me to receive my child, someone way across the world will lose theirs.  May be even die.  She will make a very unselfish decision to give her child up because of health issues, or a variety of other reasons that she can not provide for her child.  This reality is very sad to me.  Today I am feeling frustrated, sad, guilt, just not good.  I will crawl back to the feet of Jesus and cry out to Him again, repent for my lack of faith and trust in His timing and His plan.  I am thankful, for I know that my Father will forgive my weakness and in His love for me, He will restore my faith in myself, in Him and in His divine plan for us and our child to come.